


Gone Away

by Soulstoned



Category: Captain Marvel (2019)
Genre: Denial, Dissociation, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Moving, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-23 21:38:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19709959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soulstoned/pseuds/Soulstoned
Summary: After Carol's death, Maria packs her things and prepares to move.





	Gone Away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [radchaai (rigormorphis)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rigormorphis/gifts).



> Explanation for CNTW at the end.

Maria packs away her things for the journey home to Louisiana. Some might say she is running, or that she finally realized she can't hack it as a pilot, but she can't bear to go back to the place where she lost Carol. She has always been there by her side, and without her she just feels lost and alone. It isn't like there is much flight testing to be done at the moment anyway, the loss of Dr. Lawson has the entire base reeling.

Maybe she should have found it more suspicious that as the last person to see the two of them alive, she hadn't been asked many questions as part of the official investigation and a transfer opportunity to the other side of the country was offered right away. Maybe it should have seemed more strange that there was no body to bury for the funeral. No real closure. She hasn't cried yet, none of this feels real, instead she just feels numb.

It's barely been a week since the worst day of her life which followed so closely after some of the best. They were going to move in together, raise Monica together. They had so many plans.

With a sigh she gathers up her photo albums and walks to the wall in her apartment that is covered in photographs of the two of them together with Monica. She has been putting this part off, unwilling to face the memories just yet.

She pulls down the first picture of Carol presenting Monica with a toy airplane at her first birthday party. It was the first time the two of them met and they hit it off right away. Maria had been nervous about introducing Carol to her daughter, most of her friends didn't stick around for long after Monica was born and Maria had all these new responsibilities that they just couldn't relate to, but Carol was special.

The next picture was of Maria and Carol singing Karaoke at Pancho's bar. Maria can't remember the songs they sang or what they had to drink, but she'll never forget later that night when Carol brought her home and they had their first kiss on her doorstep. It was as if everything had finally fallen into place. 

More pictures of birthdays and holidays are pulled off of the wall and placed carefully into an album to protect them. She comes across a picture of Carol with Monica on her shoulders earlier that summer at Disneyland posing next to Mickey Mouse. Carol had promised to take Monica to see The Little Mermaid when it comes out, but now she isn't going to get the chance.

Monica keeps insisting that "Auntie Carol" will be back. Maria isn't sure how to explain to a five year old that one of her favorite people in the world is never coming back when she isn't fully prepared to face that reality herself. None of this feels real, like it's just a bad dream and any minute now she is going to wake up and Carol will be there. 

She carries the last of the boxes out to the uhaul and goes inside to take one last look around. Hanging on the hook on the back of the door is Carol's jacket. Inside the pocket, Maria finds a picture of herself and breaks down crying.

It's the first time she's cried since she got the news. They were never able to be open about the full extent of their relationship without risking their positions in the air force, and the test flight was so classified that Maria isn't even allowed to talk about it to anyone. It is as if she had never existed at all.

Leaving is the right choice, she thinks to herself. It could have been either of them on that flight, and Monica can't lose them both. The mechanic job in New Orleans will be safe and allow her to be closer to her family. 

Some distance might do her good, Los Angeles is big and lonely and she can't stand seeing her fellow pilots looking at her with pity. They weren't there for her before so she doesn't want to deal with them now.

After one final look around the apartment, she collects Monica from where she has gone to say goodbye to one of the neighborhood children and prepares to drive the nearly two thousand miles to New Orleans. Hopefully the road trip will help clear her head, she feels like she has been moving through a fog watching her actions from the outside for the past few days.

"If we move away, how will Auntie Carol find us when she comes back?" Monica asks from the passenger seat of the uhaul as Maria climbs into the driver's seat.

"Remember the funeral, sweetheart? We were there a couple days ago. I don't think Auntie Carol is coming back."

"We were there, but she wasn't," Monica says, wrapping herself up in Carol's jacket.

Maria sighs, that's true. It was no secret that they buried an empty casket. It's hard to find closure when the body was never found. Maria wonders if she will ever be at peace again, but for now what's the harm in indulging in a little hope, no matter how incredibly slim the odds may be.

"If she's still out there, I'm sure she wouldn't stop until she found us, nothing could hold her back."

With that, she puts the uhaul into gear and just drives.

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure whether or not to tag this for Major Character Death, because anyone who has seen the movie knows she isn't really dead, but the story does deal with grief and mourning.


End file.
